


Letting you go

by Perci1978



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22188688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perci1978/pseuds/Perci1978
Summary: This is a post 1x13 fic. Alex does not take the Michael and Maria betrayal very well. Since Caulfield hes having some bad PTSD and Panic attacks. And he feels very overwhelmed and alone.This is my first fic. Hence my first summary..
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> plz be gentle..my first fic..constuctive comments always welcome.this is a multi chapter story.

Chapter 1

Its been 1 month. One month since Caulfield. One month after being stood up. One month since the only light he had in his world flickered out and moved on. He cant blame him completely. Michael deserves to be happy and Alex knows he took to long to give him that. Why though..why with Maria? One of his closest friends..and why would Maria lie right to his face about it. Maria knew how much he loved Michael. How hopeful he was. He never thought in a million years that his friendship with Maria would end over a man. But here they are..

He's tried his best to deal with it. He plunged himself feet first into shutting down Project Shepard and ending this horrible legacy thats been tied to his family for far too long and hurt too many innocent people.

Kyle's been helpful and even becoming his friend again.Hes made a hundred apologies. And over the past month Kyle's also showed it..He brought over take out and beer and hung out. He's taken him out to Saturn's ring and even set him up on a few dates.They Obviously didn't go anywhere. Kyle told him once " that the best way to get over someone, was to get under someone else". Alex laughed at that. It never worked though.

One night Alex was just drunk enough to share a bit with Kyle about Micheal. Alex was sitting in his overstuffed chair and Kyle was sitting on his couch in his living room. They had been silent for a few minutes and Alex was peeling the label off his beer bottle. He looked over at Kyle "This is harder then I thought it would be". Kyle looked up from his beer with a puzzled look on his face " What do you mean?" Alex replied "Letting Michael go". Alex took a deep breath and continued " He's the first boy i ever kissed you know, it was in the UFO emporium, when i worked there senior year". Kyle looked at Alex with amusement in his face "High school? Really?" Alex chuckled "Yeah after my shift was over we went to my shed in the back yard and had the most amazing sex I've ever experienced. We just connected on a level I've never felt with anyone else. Micheal described it as " Cosmic." Then my dad walked in". Kyles eyes went wide and replied " Oh shit, what happened then". Alex looked down at his bottle and contemplated for a moment. This was his constant nightmare. Relived it almost every night amongst others that plagued him. Kyle watched Alex closely and saw his discomfort on the subject. "You dont have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable" Kyle replied with concern.

Alex let out a breath and looked over at Kyle wiping the tears that were starting to form at the corners of his eyes. He had never told anyone about what happened in that shed. Maybe it was time. He took in another breath "I've never told this to anyone."Letting it out." My father lost it. He came into the shed and grabbed the hammer off the toolstand. He was going on about how he wouldn't have stuff like this going on under his roof. I told him this had nothing to do with him. He came at me with the hammer and picked me up by throat and slammed me against the wall. I could barely breath. Threatening me like he was gonna hit me with the hammer". Alex put his beer down on the coffee table and started to figiet with his hands in his lap. Kyle didnt know what to say..but he figured Alex wasn't done so he sat quietly giving Alex a moment to collect his thoughts.

Alex took a few deep breaths then continued " Micheal got in the middle and pushed him back to the toolstand. My father grabbed his hand and put it on the stand and smashed his hand with the hammer. I have never been more scared in my entire life." Alex let out a sob and looked over at Kyle with tears steaming down his cheeks. Kyle reached over and pulled Alex's hands in his own. It startled Alex but he didn't pull away. Kyle took the man in from head to toe. Alex was always strong. He really was the bravest person he knew. In this moment though Alex looked very vunerable. Kyle breathed out " Oh my god, Alex" Alex let out a sob and spoke " Kyle, I just stood there and watched it happen and I couldn't stop it."

Kyle was still holding Alexs hand with his own when he moved a little closer so their knees were touching. Alex put his head down and cried sofly. It was breaking Kyles heart. He spoke softly " Alex that was horrible, I understand why you've never shared that with anyone. What your father did..oh my..you know its not your fault though". Alex looked up at him through bleary eyes "Yes Kyle, it was! I should of done something, pushed him away, told Michael to leave as soon as my father stepped foot in that shed, never taken him there to begin with" Alex's voice cracked on the last part. Alex got quiet for a moment trying to collect himself. He took a few deep breaths and quietly finished " All i could do is stand there and watch him destroy the person I loved" Alex looked up at Kyle who was still sitting close to him holding his hands. He noticed he had tear tracks down his cheeks. Kyle began to speak softly " It still wasn't your fault Alex, you were just a child" Kyle looked him over again as he spoke. Alex would not meet his eyes. He could tell by the shaking in his shoulders he was still weeping silently.

They sat there in silence for a bit. Neither man really not knowing what to say. Alex was caught up in his head thinking about that incident and many others..No wonder Michael moved on. After the hammer incident things between them had never been the same. Kyle noticed and whispered quietly "Alex are you going to be ok?" That drew Alex out of his head for a moment and he replied "Yes, Im sorry..thank you for listening to me" Kyle noticed there were still tears in his eyes as Alex turned to look at him. " I think I need to get some sleep" Alex stated and stood up to stretch. Kyle stood up too and looked over at the clock. It was nearing midnight and he had to work tommorrow.

Alex walked Kyle to the door and both men looked at each for a few moments before Kyle spoke " Thank you for trusting me to share that memory with me. I know it was hard" Alex looked up into his eyes. Saw the genuine care and concern. He leaned over and hugged him and replied " Thank you for listening Kyle, its appreciated." With that Kyle turned toward the door and walked out. Alex shutting the door behind him. He leaned against the door and the tears started really flowing. He walked over to the kitchen cupboard and grabbed the unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. Popped it open and plopped down on the couch and took a large swig as his dark thoughts overtook him. Crying as he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He woke up feeling worse then he did when he went to sleep. He sat up on the couch and lowered his head into his hands. He couldn't shake the thoughts that constantly plagued him. They played over and over in his mind like a bad mixtape playing the same songs over and over again. 

The memory playing in his mind now was the 2nd worst memory of his life. The day at Caulfield, it went far diffently then he could ever imagine. Being honest with himself he didn't really have any expectation going in. They had some interesting readings. But the realization was very different and he hated going in blind. Seeing Flint there and all those Aliens locked up and mistreated definitely was overwhelming to say the least. It was still something he could handle and was in the process of formulating a plan when the alarm went off and the day went from bad to " Oh my god, Fuucckk" bad. He had to find Michael.

When he found Michael he was petrified! Seeing Micheal so desperately trying to break the glass on that door and failing so miserably was breaking his heart. When his first plan didnt work and realizing honesty would have to work he replied to Micheal " Alright, maybe..but you are mine!" . That was a huge statement, no declaration, he made. He'd never said nor thought about that with anyone. Michael really was his family though. No matter how fucked up they were at the moment he loved Michael. He would have died with Michael if he had too.

What Michael had said next is what tore his heart out " I don't love you..i don't.. We've been holding on to this thing and where has it gotten us?" In the moment he thought it was a ploy to get him to leave. In the aftermath of the incident and Michael's actions after he got a sinking feeling like it was the truth. It was the the desperate truth Michael had to get out.

He took his face away from his hands and repeated the phrase into the silence in his cabin "I don't love you..i don't". He kept repeating it as his tears fell. What was the point then? Why was he even trying to be strong? Why was he fighting this war? What was he fighting for? He was so tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of being brave. There was no one left to fight for. Micheal had had enough of his bullshit, enough of his walking away. He couldn't blame him. It was 10 yrs in the making. He did this to himself. He had no one to blame but him.

So with that thought he pushed himself off the couch and said "Well today's the day." He repeated it to himself a few times as he grabbed his crutches to head to his room to get ready for his last day. "His last day" he thought to himself.. He felt it in his core..

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A short time later he was putting on his prosthetic when his phone started to ring. He looked over at his nightstand and saw the name "Kyle" light up on the screen. He let out a frustred grunt as he answered it kind of grumpily "Hello Kyle". Kyle replied with a smile in his voice " Is that anyway to address your best friend on this beautiful day." Alex scoffed " So what could you possibly want of me on this beautiful day, my friend". Kyle chuckled saying " Well I wanted to check in on you. I know last night left you emotionally.." Alex snapped back before he could finish "Im fine". Kyle startled a bit on the other end but continued "Oookkk.. Well i was going to tell you this last night but didn't feel it was an appropriate time. Sooo..I have this friend at work. His name is Daniel. Hes a radiologist. He moved into town recently and is interested in making new friends..if you know what I mean". Alex smoothed his hand over his face and replied gruffly " What makes you think Im wanting to make new friends?" Kyle simply replied " Its always good to make a new friend Alex. I think you'll really like him. Hes fun, sweet, kind, Understanding. And hes easy on the eyes too. Hes tall, built, brown curly hair and blue eyes. He's from New Hampshire. Super laid back and friend.." Alex interupted him by sighing into the phone " You're not gonna let this go are you?" Kyle smiled into the phone " Nope! Thats why i told him you would meet him at the Crashdown tonight at 7 to grab some dinner." Alex heard Kyle's beeper going off on the other end. Kyle quickly spit out" I gotta go, but be there and meet him. You might really like him. Gimme a call after and let me know. Alex's only reply he got to get in before Kyle hung up was "ok" before the phone hung up.

He sat there for a few minutes processing the call he just had with Kyle. Questions and thoughts echoed through his mind. Why does Kyle keep doing this to him? None of the other " friends" worked out. Eventhough it was always more him then them. What's the point in even meeting someone new? He's not going to know him very long. And who would want to be "friends" with a disabled, fucked up war veteran like him with a list of emotional baggage a mile long anyways. And then his final thought which plagued him the most.. He's not Michael..

Michael.. With his curly hair and beautiful smile. He could almost feel the way his hands cupped his head at the emporium all those years ago and a smile crept on his face as he was transported back to that memory. He laid back on his bed and transported himself back to that place. One of the few times in his life when he was truly happy. He was nervous and a bit scared at the time but when Michael put his lips on his it felt like heaven. Heck he didnt even think heaven felt like this..When he opened his eyes in his dream there was something different in Michael's face though. Gone from his face was the easy smile that came after the original and in its place was a contorted disgusted look. " I don't love you,.. I don't! Who could love a perversion like you. Why would anyone??" And Michael turned around and walked away. Alex tried to reach for him and he was gone.

He woke up soaked in his own sweat and looked at the clock it read 5 o'clock. He slept the day away. "Fuck" he thought. He had to finish getting ready to meet his new "friend". But first he had another matter to deal with. He got up off his bed and went over to the closet. He grabbed the back pack that had the console piece he had been procratinating giving Michael for months. He threw it on his bed. He walked over to the desk and sat down pulling a piece of paper out from the drawer. He stared at it for a few minutes before he started writing. When he was done he folded it and put it in the bag with the console piece. He threw the bag on his back and walked out.

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As he made his way down the road he was looking around at the desert. Memories of growing up came to mind with Maria and Liz. As he drove by the drive in he remembered the Saturday nights when Mimi would drop them off there and the movies he watched with them there. The easy laughs..the "High School" problems each of them faced. God they seemed so small compared to the problems he was dealing with today. As he was coming up on Sanders Auto though his anxiety started to creep up. He whispered to himself " God I hope hes not there" he repeated it till he pulled in to find that in fact Michael was NOT there. He parked his car and took a deep breath. He grabbed the backpack out of his passenger seat and opened the door.

As he made his way walking up to the airstream. Memories of his last conversation with Michael came to his mind. Micheal's broken promise too. "Come back tommorrow and we will talk".. Bullshit! He thought. He waited there all day for him to never show up. He spilled his guts out to Michael that night before and he never showed up to finish it. Thats when he had gone to the Wild Pony to get a drink and talk to Maria. But when he got there he saw Michael's truck there. His anxiety kicked up a little bit. But he trusted Maria..didn't he? They had been friends since they were little Right? She told him that sleeping with Michael meant nothing right?? Maybe Michael just needed a drink before he came to talk to him. Maybe he lost track of time and got drunk. He tried to justify and reason his way into the Pony. 

He opened the door to walk in and was instantly set aback with the scene he was taking in before his eyes. The love of his life in a very steamy embrace with his best friend. He gasped! He could feel the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.As soon as the door slammed behind him to other 2 people jumped apart and looked at the door to see Alex standing there in shock. They were both wide eyed and took another step back from each other. "Alex" Maria said breathlessly and it shook Alex out of his shocked daze and the first words that came to his mind were the ones she said to him " A no good dirty Texas rounder right Maria?" She stood there speechless. So Michael started to speak "Alex" was as far as he got before Alex put up his hand to stop him. With tears running down his cheeks he spoke as flatly as he could " You told me you would come back tommorrow and we would talk. You didn't show up I see why now. I guess what you said at Caulfield really was the truth. You don't love me..you don't" His voice cracking on the last part. Michael's face read complete shock too Before anyone could say anything in reply though. Alex turned around and walked out. Heading for his car. He didn't respond when he heard his name being called behind him.That was the last time he ever spoke to either of them. 

He shook his head back to the present as he reached the steps of the airstream. He put the backpack on the top step and turned around. He was headed back to his truck when he saw headlights coming up the driveway. He whispered to himself "Oh shit , I cannot do this right now". As he was walking back to his car the truck parked beside him. Just as he was opening the door his hands started shaking and he heard his name in that familiar drawl " Alex". He ignorned it the first time. A second time it came with a more concerned edge to it "Alex what are you doing here?". In his mind though all he heard was "I dont love you..I don't" He was frozen. His hands were shaking violently by now. He felt a touch on his shoulder to bring him back to reality. He heard his name a third time with much more concern as the other man was trying to turn him around. "Alex are you ok?" Alex shoved his hands in his pockets. Pulled abruptly out of Michael's hold and squared his shoulders still facing his car. With all the control he could muster he spat "Don't touch me, Im fine. Goodbye Guerin." He climbed in his truck, started it up, backed it up. And didn't look up till he was driving away.

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Micheal stood there dumbfounded for a few minutes before he regained his composure. He hadn't seen or heard from Alex in a month. Not since that day.. He shook that thought out of his head. The look on Alex's face when he walked into the Pony that day had destroyed Michael. He had never seen Alex look so broken then in that moment. And Michael had felt disgusted with himself knowing he put it there. He never wanted to hurt Alex intentionally. He never wanted to hurt Alex at all. When he and Isobel had that heart to heart in the desert that day and Isobel said "Maybe Max was right. We should stop looking back and start lookimg forward." It had stuck with him.

After the last conversation with Maria he didn't even expect that she would let him stay. He just knew what was waiting for him at home. He knew he needed to calm down before he went to deal with Alex. So he stopped at the Pony..actually he didn't even really know why he stopped there. When he walked into the bar and he asked if it was open and she said yes and stood up. He felt so relieved and daresay happy..He really just wanted something easy and new. When he was kissing Maria, it was Isobels words that rang through his head. Then Alex walked in.

He shook his head again and brought himself back to the present. He took a deep breath and turned around to walk in his trailer when he noticed something on his steps. He reached over and saw it was a backpack. He picked it up and flung it over his shoulder to bring it into the airstream. He opened the door and climed into it. He placed it on his kitchen table and it made a thud sound. He was going to unzip it when his phone started ringing. He looked down to see the ID light up with the name "Maria". "Fuck" He whispered. He didn't really want to talk to anyone right now. After working and dealing with Max and Isobel, then his weird interaction with Alex he just wanted some quiet for a bit. He reluctantly answered the phone " Hey Maria". Maria's chipper voice coming back through the phone line " Hey Sweetie, what are you up to?" Michael replied with a sigh in his voice " Just got home. Why? What's up?" She replied back " Im hungry, wanna go grab a burger at the Crashdown?" Micheal replied with hesitation " I dont know Maria, I've had a pretty long day.." Micheal heard the disappointment in her voice when she replied "Ohhh ookk". Micheal replied quickly with some gruffness but no real heat in it " Give me an hour to shower and get ready and I'll meet you there". Hearing the smile back in her tone she replied " Sweet!! See you then." And then the line on the other end went dead. 

Michael walked over to the couch and flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling for a bit to gather his thoughts.

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	3. Chapter 3

Alex was a couple miles down the road before he pulled over. His hands were still shaking and his mind was racing a mile a minute. He needed to calm himself down. He told Kyle he would meet Daniel and he wanted to keep his world. After a few deep breaths and rubbing his hands up and down his thighs he started to calm down. He had to get his head on straight for the next few hours then this nightmare would be over. When he had composed himself enough he started driving heading to the Crashdown.

As he neared the Crashdown he was feeling a little better. He noticed it was busy which didnt do anything for his anxiety. But he parked the car and walked in.. He remembered the description Kyle gave him and found the man sitting at a table. He walked up to it and asked with his hand outstretched " Daniel?" The man politely got out of the booth and stretched his hand out to shake it saying " Why yes you must be Alex. It is so nice to finally meet you." When Daniel withdrew his hand from the handshake as he gestured for Alex to sit as he sat down. Alex took him in for a minute without saying anything. He had short curly brown hair, eyes as blue as the ocean and a heartwarming, honest smile. As he was about to speak Liz popped over all bubbly and smiles saying "Alex Manes is that you? Oh mi amor, it is so good to see you! And who is this handsome man who's been waiting for you?" Alex smiled and replied "This is Daniel, he's new in town. He works at the hospital with Kyle". Daniel smiled and asked " oh and what is your name?." Liz smiled back and said "Im Liz its so nice to meet you." She turned to Alex next " So how have you been? God I feel like i haven't seen you in so long". Alex chuckled a bit before replying " Been keeping my self busy and you?" Liz looked at Alex with slight exacerbation and said " Well between Max and Rosa, my work at the lab and picking up shifts here, Im exhasuted most of the time. But its not forever just for now, you know". "Yes I can understand that" Alex replied. Liz then asked " So what can i get you guys to drink to start off with"? Daniel piped up " I'll take an unsweetened Ice Tea if you have it." Liz in her ever cheerful voice replied " Of course, Mi amigo, and for you Alex?" He thought for a second before replying saying "Ill take a sweet tea" " Sweet! Be right back with those" she stated before leaving the table.

Alex opens up his menu and Daniel does as well. Daniel clears his throat then asks " So what's good on the menu?" Alex looks over the menu with a smile saying " Well what do you like?" Daniel looks up from his menu with a smile as well saying " Well i kinda wanted to try one of the Mexican dishes. Being from New Hampshire there isn't a whole lot of "authentic" Mexican food around there." Alex chuckled at that while skimming the menu replying" Well the Tamales are amazing, The Flautas, Empanadas, and Tinga are all great too!" Just as he was finishing Liz walks up and places the drinks down and asks "So have you men figured out what you want yet?." Daniel ordered first " I'll have the Tinga with Spanish rice". Then Alex ordered " Ill have 2 Pollo Tacos with French Fries." Liz replied " Sounds Bueno! Have those up ASAP" and turned around to walk away.

The two men engaged in small talk while awaiting their food to arrive. Alex was noticing alot about Daniel. He was definitely a great conversationalist. He was very sweet and had an infectious smile. Alex could also tell he was also very smart on a wide array of subjects. Then a voice in the back of his head started creeping in slowly "yeah, but he's no Michael. And once he sees your darker side he will run like the rest." Then he heard his father's voice " Who could love a perversion like you?"Alex balled his hands in a fist in his lap and closed his eyes to try to will those thoughts away. As he was closing them though he saw the image of Michael kissing Maria at the Wild Pony and his hands started to shake more. Daniel noticed and tried to ask him "Hey Alex are you ok?" But Alex barely heard anything till Liz was standing in front of them with 2 plates of food. She placed them down as she was looking at Alex. She saw Alex was in a difficult way and when she looked at Daniel she saw the concern in his eyes. She slowly leaned over as to not startle Alex and gently put her hand on his shoulders and whispered "Alex your food is here".As she was moving away Alex's eyes shot open and he was looking between the concern in both their eyes. He mumbled " I'm sorry sometimes if its too loud i get overwhelmed" To which Daniel replied "Its ok I understand" and Liz said " If you need anything I won't be far". Alex looked at them both gratefully before replying "Thank you". Liz walked away and Daniel started eating quietly. Alex looked down at his plate and lifted his hands up onto the table and started eating as well.

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Michael met Maria in the parking lot of the Crashdown. She walked over to him and put her arms around his shoulders and pecked him on the lips before saying " Ive missed you today. Its so good to see you." Michael wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her in for a hug before replying "Its good to see you too." They were walking hand in hand into the Crashdown when Michael started to scan the crowd and his eyes fell on Alex eating a Taco. He quickly slipped his hand out of hers. Maria noticed and started to scan the crowd too till she quickly saw Alex and turned to Michael quietly whispering"We can go somewhere else if you want." Michael looked at her before he shook his head and spoke " No I'm fine." He looked over at Alex again and noticed the man looking right at him.He noticed something was wrong with Alex. Alex's eyes always spoke louder then his words to Michael. Micheal looked down at Alex's hands quickly and noticed they started shaking, spilling his Taco back on his plate. When Michael raised his eyes back up to Alex's he noticed Alex was staring at this hands for a moment before putting them under the table.

Just then Liz came up and gave each of them a hug and told them "Its so nice to see you 2 again" which Maria replied "You as well sweetheart"..Michael nodded. Liz set them down at a table that was not really near Alex but in his line of vision. Liz brought over two menus and noticed Michael kept glancing over at Alex. Liz piped up " Its so great that Alex is here on a date. Kyle hooked them up. His name is Daniel." Maria smiled and stated " Good for Alex he deserves to be happy, don't you think honey?" Michael had taken a menu by then and was going from nonchalantly reading it to glacing over at Alex here and there. Something was definitely wrong with Alex. His shoulders were shaking now and he was just staring down at his plate. He looked over at Maria and answered her question flatly "He sure does." Liz and Maria were talking amongst themselves when Michael glanced over again noticing the man he was with was trying to talk to him but Alex wasn't answering him. Liz's question brought him back to the conversation when Liz asked him " Are you ready to order" Michael replied "Ill have a coke and the burger special" Liz looked at Maria and asked " And you?" To which she replied " Root beer, enchilada and spanish rice plz" Liz smiled and said "Ok, got it! Ill get those right in." And she turned around and left. 

Michael engaged in as much small talk as he could while waiting for there food to arrive while glancing over at Alex to see he was getting worse.

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From the moment Alex saw Michael and Maria enter the restaurant he felt a panic attack starting. First his hands starting shaking again. Shaking to the point that he dropped his taco on his plate. He shoved his hands under the table and was clutching them again. Mentally berating himself at the same time while staring down at his plate. His thoughts wouldn't stop. "Pull yourself together", "Your weak", "Hes definitely going to think your a fuck up now", Your a real Manes man now," "God boy, you can't do anything right." He started to feel his shoulders shake and his palms getting sweaty. He thinks he heard Daniel mumble some thing. But he could make it out. Alex then started to feel his shoulders shake. He knew he had to get outta here. He stood up abruptly and spoke as evenly as he could manage" excuse me for a monent Daniel" and Daniel replied by nodding his head. He then put his hands in his pockets and glanced over at Michael who was staring at him. Alex's eyes were screaming "I cant do this" before he glanced just as quickly away and walked as calmly as he could to the bathroom. He opened the handicapped stall and walked in looking at his hands shake and feeling his shoulders shake. He grasped at the wall when he felt himself hyperventilating.He couldn't stand any longer so he found the corner of the bathroom stall and slid his back down it. His dark thoughts started to over take him again.

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Michael knew as soon as Alex stood up abruptly and mumbled something to his date, then glanced over his way for a moment that Alex was about to lose it. When he looked in his eyes the message was clear " I cant do this". Michael felt stuck. He wanted to run and help Alex but he didn't want to arise any suspicion that something was wrong either. Alex was never one for being the center of attention. As he was contemplating his conundrum their food arrived. Ha! He thought the perfect out. He looked at Maria and said" excuse me a moment." Which Maria replied "ok". He got up and walked as fast as he could w/o arousing suspicion.He opened the bathroom door slowly and stepped in. He turned around and locked the door. He heard the mumbling and the quiet sobs till he was at the handicap stall. He knocked on the door lightly and spoke softly "Alex". He recieved no reply. He slowly opened the door and took a step in and had all his breath pulled out of him when he beheld the sight in front of him.

Alex was sitting with his back up against the corner of the stall, with his knees up to his chin. His hands were wrapped around his knees while his head was set against them. He was rocking back and forth with a mix of words and sobs. Michael's heart broke into a million pieces. What happened to Alex? He was always the rock for everyone. Always the soldier. He walked into a prison and went toe to toe with his brother. He also sent his father halfway across the world. But here he was. Literally a shell.He had to find out what broke him. He slowly started to step closer to him sofly saying his name. When he got close enough he could hear what he was saying. "I never look away, not really." "I dont love you.. I dont" "Im all alone", "no body loves me" then Alex turned his face out a lttle to the side and whispered " My best friend.. Why?" and then Alex quietly sobbed for a moment then started the cycle of words over again.  
Micheal lost all color in his face and felt all the wind get knocked out of him.He knew where those words came from.. He said those words and he went after his best friend. " Fuucckk" he whispered " I broke Alex Manes." Micheal sank to the floor and crawled over to him till he was sitting next to him. He gathered Alex up in his arms placing one of his hands around him while the other was running through his hair. He kept repeating "I'm so sorry Alex'" And Alex kept repeating his mumblings. The more Micheal heard his words the more his heart broke. He too was crying by now. 

They were both sitting there lost in their own world when Michael heard the rustling of keys from the out side and the lock unlock. He heard someone step in and the door lock behind them. Then he heard the voice whisper "Alex, Michael". It was Liz thankfully. Michael whispered back " we are back here Liz". He heard the the footsteps lightly coming open till the stall opened and Liz peeked her head through. Michael saw the look on her face . He heard the breathless whisper "Alex". She slowly started to walk toward them and stopped abruptly when she heard what Alex was repeating. Michael saw the confusion on her face until she heard the last part "My best friend..why?". She looked over at Michael and then at Alex. Michael could see the the tears starting to fall. He heard her say " Ohh Alex". She sat down on the other side of Alex and wrapped her arms around his waist as she put her head on his shoulders. Micheal heard her say " I love you" over and over again.

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Alex was slowly coming back to reality. He felt people holding him. He knew those arms. One was def Liz. He vaguely heard her whispering "I love you". It was calming if nothing else. Liz had always been a decent friend. Even a good friend in High School. It just seems that since she got back shes been so wrapped up with Max and this Alien shit that Alex had felt pushed in the background and eventually forgotten. Yes he may have left "nice" back in the middle east. But he felt very alone and no one seemed to notice or care including her.

He knew the other set of hands too and the chest he was leaning against. But that couldn't be right...could it? Why would Michael be here. He had chosen Maria right? His best friend! He froze at the thought. Micheal and Liz both started to withdraw from him when they felt his body go rigid. He opened up his eyes to see he was in the bathroom at the Crashdown. He looked to his left and right to see Michael and Liz. He started to shake again. Liz asked softly "Are you ok" and Alex breathed out "I need some air, I gotta go." He was attempting to get up when he felt a hand on his shoulder pushing him down. It was Michael's hand and Micheal's words came next "Alex you gotta calm.." Alex snapped at Michael " Don't touch me!" Micheal withdrew immediately and Alex jumped to his feet saying " I need some air, I gotta go." He turned around abruptly., Unlocked the bathroom door and opened it. He went to go walk out and saw Daniel and Maria leaning against 2 different walls. His breathing was starting to come in heavier. He looks over at Daniel and spurts out between heavy breaths " Im sorry.. I gotta go..i need some air..you deserve better." He didnt even wait for a reply. He headed through the back door. He slid down the steps as he was trying to get a hold of his breathing. What the fuck is going on. He really just wanted to get through the date and go home.

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Michael and Liz were staring at the door in shock. Liz shook her head and looked at Micheal saying "What the fuck did you do to him Michael? Those were your words he was repeating. Fuck Michael." Micheal was weeping when he replied " I never meant to hurt him. I love him Liz. Just lately that love just hurts. He wanted to try to be friends." Liz stood up and looked down at him replying " You told him you didn't love him and then moved on with his best friend. God Micheal do you realize what your actions have done?" Micheal jumped up to his feet and looked at Liz seriously " Im going to find Alex" and with that he walked out seeing Maria. He stopped for a moment before he proceeded to walk past. She grabbed his arm saying "Micheal."He turned and looked at her for a moment before replying " I need to find Alex" before pulling out of her grip and walking out the back door.

When he walked out the back door he saw Alex leaning against the wall trying to calm down and catch his breath. Micheal slowly walked over to him. When he was standing in front of him he saw Alex look over to him saying "Guerin, what do you want?" Michael took a step forward answering "Alex you need to talk to me." Alex replied "Your not mine to talk to anymore Guerin. You chose Maria." Michael took another step closer into Alex's space never taking his eyes off him. He reiterated his response "Alex you scared me. You need to talk to me. There's something wrong." Alex slid into the wall more replying breathlessly " Michael you don't love me anymore." Michael leaned his head forward and rested it against Alex's. He brought up his hands and rested them on the sides of his head holding it whispering " I'm here now, center yourself." Alex closed his eyes and the tears fell. Alex finally let himself crumble in the arms of the man he loves.The only man that could ever break him. Michael could feel Alex's hands hovering over unsure if it was ok to touch him. He whispered into the space between them " Touch me Alex." With that Alex put his hands on his shoulders. He then nestled his head into Michael's neck and cried some more. Michael just held him. He then noticed Alex's hands start to move slowly up his neck.. Michaels breath hitched. Alex stopped for a moment before continuing trailing his fingers up his neck before he found himself lightly running his fingers through the underneath of his hair. Michael closed his eyes at the sensation. His knees buckled a little. He loved the feeling of Alex running his fingers through his hair. As if on instinct he started trailing his fingers up and down Alex's back. He felt the other man cries start to settle and his breathing change. He also could hear Alex's breath hitch as well. After a moment Alex lifted his head slowly not meeting the other mans eyes still looking down. Voice shaking he said " M..M..Michael you should go back in..inside. Ma..Maria's waiting f..for you. I'm sorry." Michael placed his hand under Alex's chin and lifted it to meet his eyes. Alex looked up into Michael's eyes. Then looked down again. He let out a breath and thought to himself"Here goes nothing." They stood there for a moment before he said quietly " Is there any universe in which you still love me? One we could be together. Or are they all as broken as this one?" Michael stepped back in shock for a minute. A hundred thoughts running through his head. Alex looked up with tears in his eyes meeting Michael's. After a moment when Michael didn't answer Alex looked down again and said " I didn't think so. Goodbye Guerin." Alex then backed up and started to walk away. Michael stood there still in shock and tears pooling in his own eyes. He had to go get him. He had to tell him. By the time he reached Alex he was at his car. He was turning his key in the door and opening it. Michael grabbed his arm and turned him around. Alex was still crying. Michael began to speak " Alex I care about you so..Alex interrupted "But you love Maria. I get it. I was too late. I fucked it up. Im happy for you Micheal. I need to let you go." With that Alex got in his car and left. Michael still standing there. He was still trying to understand what just happened. It happened so fast.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide Attempt. If its too much sorry..part of story line.

Alex was gripping the steering wheel tightly as thoughts filled his head. He had tears streaking down his cheeks. He was at the end of his rope. He felt like he was going crazy and he didnt know how to stop it. So many voices and thoughts running through his head. His father, Michael, His time in Iraq..it was hitting him all at once.He pulled up in his driveway and stumbled out and into his house.

He saw the bottle of Jack on the table and walked over to it grabbing it and taking a huge chug of it. Gulping it down his throat. It burned so bad going down but felt so good. He plopped down on the coucb and took another big swig and felt his body started to go numb. Thats the feeling he was looking for. He took his phone out of his pocket and saw a dozen missed texts and half a dozen missed calls. He opened his phone and saw Michael's name and threw his phone against the wall effectively smashing it. He screamed into the cabin " Fuck you Michael!! You don't love me anymore!" He then picked up his bottle and took another swig. He stood up and stumbled into his room. He sat on his bed and took another swig and closed his eyes. His memories flashing before his eyes. His mother leaving, His father's various and brutal beatings, the hammer coming down on Michael's hand, The endless teasing and fights in school.His leg being blown of in Iraq, The rest of his team laying on the ground dead or dying, Caulfield, Maria and Michael..Michael..Michael..

He couldn't handle it anymore! It was too much! Everyone that he ever trusted and loved walked away or didnt give a second thought about hurting him. Why ? Why? Why? Why? Was he really worth so little to people. He must be.If he wasn't here no one would care. People could just move on with their lives and forget about him. They do anyways. No one loves him or cares about him anyways. He took another swig and stumbled to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet and fished out his straight razor blade and shut the cabinet and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. He started repeating all the things that people said to him throughout his life. All the horrible mean things. "Failure, Perversion, Freak, No one's gonna love you, I don't love you..I don't." It was ringing in his head over and over again and wouldn't stop. He grabbed his blade off the sink and stumbled back to his bed. The voices in his head still drumming away. He looked down at his wrists then at the bottle. He guzzled the rest of it and threw it across the room and saw it smash against the wall. He took the razor blade and dug it deep into his wrist. He didn't feel anything he was numb. As he dug in and pulled up lenghtwise saying " Goodbye dad! I won't embarrass you anymore. Goodbye mom You didnt care enough to stay." He saw the blood running out. He put the razor blade in his cut hand next and plunged the blade into his other wrist while pulling it lenghtwise saying " Goodbye Michael now you can be happy with Maria."

The blade fell to the floor he flopped back onto his bed as the blood came rushing out of his veins. He finally felt at peace thinking " Finally I can be done with this. No more hurt no more pain." As he was falling into unconsciousness he thought he heard knocking on his door.

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Kyle was walking out of work when he reached into his pocket and dug out his phone. He saw half a dozen texts on his phone and a few missed calls. He went to go open his phone when 2 names stood out to him. Liz and Daniel both messaging him. He opened up Daniels to read:

\- went out with Alex. He seems nice, but something was wrong with him. He had a meltdown in the bathroom and left out the back door apologizing to me. Can you go check on him when you get out of work Im really concerned about him.

Kyle closed out the message and thought to himself for a moment. "What the fuck is going on?" He then looked down and opened Liz's message and read:

\- Alex had a complete meltdown at the Crashdown tonite.He and Michael were locked in the bathroom and when i finally got the door unlocked Alex was in complete meltdown mode. Then he got up and left. He wont answer the phone or texts. Please go check on him.

Kyle was worried. He immediately tried calling Alex but it went straight to voicemail. He messaged them both back saying:

\- just got out going out to check on him now! Will let you know whats going on.

They both repied - Thank you!

As Kyle was driving out there he kept trying to call him, but it kept going to his voicemail. The closer he got to the cabin the more dread kept filling his stomach. "What the hell is going on with him?, Is he ok? He must've had a panic attack or flashback, Why was Michael there?" He knew him and Michael hadnt spoken since he and Maria had gotten together. What the fuck happened? The dread in his stomach grew 10 fold. He was driving up to the cabin when he saw Alex's car there. He pulled up next to it and got out of his car. 

He walked up to the cabin and saw a light on in the livingroom. He looked in the window but Alex was not there. He walked up and knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked a little more insistent. Still no answer. He opened the door and yelled Alex's name. No answer. Kyles anxiety was pitching up. He walked in still calling out for Alex when he noticed his phone smashed in his living room. He breathed out " Oh shit" and started to call Alex's name more panicked. He walked though the cabin checking the rooms..nothing. 

He was then standing in front of his bedroom door. He called his name one more time..no answer. He opened the door and stood in shock as he took in the scene before him. Alex was laying back on his bed with blood everywhere. He looked at his wrists and saw them cut. He immediately pulled out his phone and called 911 while rushing over to Alex to check for a pulse. He felt a faint one in his neck. He then rushed over to his bureau and pulled out some shirts to put over his wrists to try to stop the bleeding. He was speaking to Alex with tears in his throat. " Alex stay with me, Ive called 911 and there on their way". He got up on the bed. And was holding Alex and kept repeating his words" Stay with me Alex. Stay with me." He was all out crying by now. He heard a voice coming from the living room identfying themselves " Chavez county sheriff's office. Someone called 911." Kyle yelled " Back here in the bedroom." He heard the footsteps and when he looked up he saw Max Evans standing in the doorway. 

Max took in the sight in front of him. "What the hell happened?" "Is that Alex?" Kyle answered " Alex slit his wrists Max. Where is the ambulance? Hes barely has a pulse." Max replied " There 3 mins out. Is there anything I can do?". Kyle looked up at him saying " I tied up his wrists with shirts to try to stop the bleeding. He needs to get to the hospital". He then looked down at Alex cradlled in his lap. He said to him again " Stay with me please Alex..please." Max stood there still shocked there lost in his thoughts for a moment till he heard the paramedics showed up. He watched as they loaded him on the guerney and followed till they put him in the ambulance and saw Kyle not miss a beat. 

Kyle looked down at himself as the ambulance drove away. He was covered in blood...Alex's blood. He turned around at looking at Max. " I know who caused this to happen." Max looked up at him saying " What are you talking about? He tried to commit suicide. It could be anything or anyone." Kyle scoffed saying "Seriously Max think about it. Have you talked to your brother today?" Max startled at that and replied " Yes I havebut he didn't mention anything about Alex...What does Michael have to do with this?" Kyle cooley replied " I got a message from Daniel and Liz when i got off work tonite. Daniel is someone I set him up on a date with. They met at the Crashdown for dinner. He told me that Alex locked himself in the bathroom. Liz told me that when she unlocked the door she found Alex having a meltdown and Michael was with him. Which reminds me.." Kyle took out his phone and messaged Liz :

\- Alex tried to commit suicide. He slit his wrists. Hes on his way to the hospital.

He put his phone back in his pocket and looked over at Max saying " I gotta get to the hospital." Max replied "Im going to go find Michael and get to the bottom of this." They both walked to there respective cars and drove away.

============================================

Michael's sitting at the Pony working on his umpteenth shot of whiskey staring at his glass. He had been lost in his head since Alex drove away. He was still trying to understand it all. What was going on with Alex? That panic attack he had at the Crashdown really scared him. And then the question he asked "Is there any universe in which you still love me? One we could be together. Or are they all as broken as this one?" Yes there was. This one! He loved him in this one. He desperately wanted to be with him in this one. But he was hurt. Alex kept hurting him by walking away. Alex always walked away from him. And then when he finally decided to "not" walk away he wanted to be friends right? He did go to the airstream that night though. Michael thought on what Alex said that night. That he shouldn't have left him behind. That he wanted to be the kind of man who won battles.He knew his biggest battle was his father. The way his father abused him was no secret to anyone with eyes. 

God why couldn't he just tell Alex he loved him? Why does it have to be so complicated.Why? Why? He felt a hand on his forearm bring him out of his thoughts. Maria was looking at him saying "Are you ready to talk about Alex yet?" Michael looked up at her thinking how do you tell your current girlfriend ( that you care about deeply), about the love of your life. This would not end well. So instead he stands up and looks at her " i need to get some air." Without waiting for a response he turns around and walks out of the bar.

Hes walking toward his truck when his phone goes off. He takes it out of his pocket and sees a message from Max:

\- Are you at the Pony?

-Yes bout to pass out in my truck

\- Don't! Im on my way

Michael put his phone back in his pocket. And waited for Max to show up. He started to think about his dilemma between Alex and Maria. He thought back to the night at the Pony when Alex saw him and Maria together and the devastation writ on his face and what he said after to them. He was right. He should've gone and talked to him. Should've heard him out. He knew he hurt Alex...but WTF?? Alex was always the one hurting him. Always the one walking away. Calling him a criminal. Pushing him away at every opportunity.. Now he wanted to be what?? Friends was it? Then he thought of Maria. Kissing her felt good. She was easier to be with. She made him feel good. Bit did he love her? It was way too soon for that. Could he eventually love her? He cared for her. He knew that. He knew without a doubt he loved Alex. God could he love 2 people?

As these thoughts were swirling he heard a car pull into the parking lot. He looked up to see it was Max. Max pulled in and parked next to Michaels car and stepped out. Michael pasted that sarcastic smile on his face saying "So what do i owe the pleasure of your company?" Max looked up at him and replied " This isnt really a social call Michael." Michael knew that tone. That was the " Sheriff Max" tone. "So what am I being accused of now?" Michael asked snarkily. Max knew this was not going to be an easy conversation and he wished Michael would take something seriously. He was getting frustrated " What did you do today after you saw Isobel and I?" Michael looked at him questioning " What is this about Max?" Max frustration was growing when he spoke "Dammit Michael can you nust answer my question!" Michael nonchalantly answered " Let's see.. I took a shower at the airstream, got dinner with Maria, then i decided to get drunk..cause you know its what i do." 

Max was losing his patience quickly and wanted to cut through the bullshit " Alex, Michael! What did you talk about with Alex Manes. I know you two were locked in the bathroom at the Crashdown!" Micheal startled in surprise saying " What about Alex? Is something wrong with Alex?" Michael then grabbed the front of his shirt and repeated it slowly with all seriousness "What about Alex?" Max blurted out " He's in the hospital Michael." Micheal took a step back with shock on his face asking "Why?" Max looked down at the ground for a moment then looked at Michael " He slit his wrists he was trying to commit suicide."

Max watched as all the color ran from Michael's face and saw the tears pooling in his eyes. Micheal breathlessy spoke "No that cant be right." Max let out a resigned breath " I saw it with my own 2 eyes. He did!" Michael started hyperventilating barely getting out " hospital..i have to go to the hospital." Max replied " Ok ill take you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you're enjoying reading this. Im not really a writer but this storyline has been in my head for months and I needed to get it out.

Chapter 5

Kyle was sitting in the waiting room when Liz walked in. He saw the fear and sadness in her eyes. He walked up to her saying " He's lost alot of blood. They have him stiched up and are giving him blood and plasma to try to get blood back in him. They will let us know the results in a bit." Liz let out a breath she had been holding since she got the text earlier. Kyle motioned for them to sit on the couch in the waitimg room. When they sat Kyle put his head in his hands saying " I dont know what happened Liz. I talked to him this morning and he seemed ok. I even set him up with Daniel." Liz looked at him saying " Yes i met Daniel he was very nice and so sweet with Alex. They seemed like they were getting along well till i brought their food." Kyle looked at her and replied " What do you mean?" Liz huffed then answered " Well he had a small panic attack that I pulled him out of easily when i brought them their food. He seemed ok for a bit till Michael and Maria showed up. Then he lost it and ran to the bathroom." Kyle shook his head saying " Fuckin Michael! Can't he just leave Alex alone. Alex's been dealing with so much as it is. Between his father and shutting down Project Shepard for Michael's fucking sake you'd think he'd have a little more gratitude toward Alex and leave him alone." Liz replied " It is a public place though. I dont think they did it on purpose."  
Kyle frustratingly said " Yeah i get that! But once they saw him there they could've gone somewhere else." Liz looked away saying " Your right they could of and should of especially with what happened in the bathroom." Kyle asked "so what happened?" Liz paused for a second before answering " Well when i went in there they were sitting in the back stall. Alex had his hands wrapped around his knees and his head resting on it. He kept reating " I don' t love you..i dont..that no body loved him and then he said " my best friend..why? i ended up getting on the other side of him hugging him and telling him I loved him till he pulled out of it. It was quite scary actually." Kyles frustation was increasing saying " I better not get my hands on that asshole. God!! " He stood up and continued "Fuck Fuck Fuck! I need some air." 

As they were walking outside Liz continued " When he came out of it he thanked me and Michael tried to grab him and he told him not to touch him. He then said he needed air and left. I confronted Michael he said he loved him but lately that love just hurt. He went out after him". They were standing outside by the time Liz was done speaking. Kyle spoke angrily then " Thats bullshit Liz! If he cared at all for Alex he wouldn't of gone after his best friend and you know it!" Before Liz could reply the sheriff's car pulled in and parked. As soon as Kyle saw Michael get out of the car he started walking over there. He got up close to Michael angrily saying " What the fuck are you doing here? Haven't you done enough damage?" Micheal replied just as angrily " I'm here to see Alex!" Kyle replied back " Do you think that's a good idea since you caused this?. Michael was pissed! Every car in the parking lot was starting to levitate. Max looked around and yelled "Stop Michael!" Kyle sopke up as well saying "Hurting me is not going to change what you did to Alex. And who the hell tells someone they are "cosmic" then goes to fuck their best friend" All the cars dropped at once and he said seething through his teeth "Im going to see Alex! Try and stop me!" Liz piped up "Saying Mikey calm down first. Hes in getting a blood transfusion. He lost alot of blood.." Michael looked up at Liz and nodded and walked in. As he got to the nurses desk he let out a breath trying to center himself. The nurse looked up to him expectantly. "Alexander Manes" Michael says. The nurse looks down at her screen and types in the name and waits for it to load. She looks up at Michael asking " And you are?" Michael answers " Michael Guerin" The nurse looks down at her screen then back up at him saying " Please have a seat. Hes just getting out of the OR. I will have the doctor come talk to you when he is settled." Michael nodded his head and turned around and found a seat. A few momenys later Kyle, Max and Liz came in and sat with him. It felt like forever to Michael waiting for the doctor to come out. When he saw the doctor come join them he jumped out of his seat. "Can we see Alex?" Michael excitedly asked. " Hold on a .moment. Follow me, We need to talk about his prognosis first." The other 3 got up and the group followed the doctor. They were brought into a small room and sat down. The doctor started saying " Alex was very close to dying when he came in. We stiched up his wrists and gave him 5 pints of blood. Hes not out of the woods yet but he is stable for now. We are putting him on suicide watch till he is no longer a threat to himself. There will be a nurse with him at all times." Michael piped up " Thank you can we see him now?" The doctor raised an eyebrow looking at Michael replying " Yes..but only 2 at a time please. We dont want to overwhelm him when he wakes up. Michael stood up and stared down at the rest of them. Daring them to say something. Then he looked up at the doctor saying " lead the way" Then Kyle stood up next and both men followed the doctor. They were both sending death glares at each other. When they arrived at the door the doctor turned to both of them. Sizing them up before he spoke saying " He doesn't look so great. Like I said he lost alot of blood. He's very pale and has some bruising. So just prepare yourself." The scene that Michael walked into took his breath away. There laid Alex with a bunch of machines hooked up to him. He had an IV with saline solution. He had a BP cuff and heart monitor on. He was also on oxygen as well. It broke Michael heart. He walked up to the side of the bed and took his physical apperance in. His hair was ruffled. His skin unaturally pale. He had dark circles around his eyes like he hadnt slept in a month. He also had bandages over his wrists that dark, angry bruising peeking out from under the bandages. The doctor looked over the men and nodded at the nurse. He spoke softly " Ill have the nurse wait outside the room while you visit since hes still asleep. If you need anything let her know." Both men looked over and nodded then looked back at Alex. The doctor and nurse left the room leaving only Michael and Kyle. They stayed silent for a long time just staring at Alex. They both had tears in their eyes. Kyle was a mix of anger and sadness. Kyle understood Alex had a hard life. He remembers the lovable, funny, sweet, kind boy of his childhood. He remembered the camping trips and long hours of playing video games and building treehouses. He also got to understand the broken man laying before him too. His mother leaving when he was young. His brothers treating him like shit.The horrid abuse at the hands of his father. The hard time he got in school for being gay ( while he made amends and Alex had forgiven him, he still didn't forgive himself). Being sent off to war and what he witnessed over there.. The loss of his leg. Then finding out about his families legacy. Their shared legacy, Caulfield, aliens. He looked over at Michael and got even angrier thinking about the love he had for that man. The one he could tell was probably his light at the end of his dark tunnel. The one he would have died with at Caulfield. The one who worked tirelessly to keep safe at all great personal cost to himself. And the one who ultimately broke his heart and started dating Maria. He knew Alex had very few people he trusted throughout his life. He kind of felt that Liz, Maria and Michael were the three people on earth he loved the most and two of them betrayed that love and trust. The anger grew inside him a little more. No wonder he was at the end of his rope. Alex felt he had no one left. Everyone he had trusted and loved had abandoned him. He whispered under his breath " Fuck". Michael looked over at him with tears streaming down his cheeks. Kyle took Michael in and ask in a low voice " Do you love him Michael?" The other man nodded his head and whispered " Yes." Kyle then replied " then why? I don't pretend to understand whatever is between the two of you. One thing i do know is how much Alex loves you." Michael looked defeated " He left me here to go to war Kyle. I waited 10 years for him to come back and he kept walking away from me." He let out a breath and continued " His family has been trying to destroy mine for generations too. Hes tied up in all these horrible memories of my life and yes i love him but lately that love just....hurts." His voice broke on the last part followed by a heartbreaking sob. Kyle remembered a few conversations that they had over the past few months and piped up " Ive had quiet a few conversations since we've been working together and let me offer some perspective." Michael scoffed but Kyle continued " You know the shit life Alex has had to deal with. I know for a fact you have seen it up close at least once." Kyle looked down at his hand which was healed now and Michael noticed. Kyle took a breath saying " Alex would do anything to protect the people he loves including going to war. His father hates him and thinks hes weak because he's gay when in reality he is the bravest person I've ever known. My father knew that. He shut down Project Shepard because you were a target. Breaking his family legacy and mine." Kyle let the words hang between them for a few moments and spoke again " Just a little departing thoughts Michael as well. Alex suffers from extreme PTSD not only from his military time but his childhood as well and because of this the Alex I've gotten to know uses actions that speak louder then words. If you took the time to understand why he kept walking away it was to protect you. He loves three people in this world. You, Maria and Liz!" Micheal was crying quietly to himself looking at Alex. He understood what Kyle was talking about. He remembered what Alex had said that night when he had come back to his camper. He didn't want to admit it but Kyle was right. Micheal responded quietly with "I know" to which Kyle responded " and 2 of those people betrayed him. Michael, did you or Maria consider Alex's feelings in your decision? I mean really Michael you've slept with most of the women in this town. Why Maria? And why now? Michael didnt have an answer. Kyle just hung his head and spoke " Im going to talk to Max and let Liz come see Alex. Ill give you some time to yourself with him before I send her in." With that Kyle walked out and shut the door leaving Michael alone with Alex. Michael looked down at Alex and the dam broke. He cried big heaping sobs saying " Im so sorry Alex, Im so sorry. I should have been more understanding. I should have come back that day instead of going to Maria." He kicked his shoes off and took his jacket of and crawled into bed next to Alex over the covers and took Alex into his arms still crying saying " Come back to me Alex. I love you so much". He kept repeating it until he eventually fell asleep next to his love.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6< Michael woke up a few hrs later to mumbling next to him. It started out benign enough. Alex was just restless at first. Then the breathing started heavy short breaths and whispered "No's' and "Stop". It started to ramp up more violently. Michael pulled Alex closer to his chest trying to calm Alex down saying " Alex I'm here.. Your safe..wake up." But it was only getting worse. "Please stop.... Your hurting me!"Then his body started to react like someone was kicking him. Michael jumped out of bed. The nurse was right next to him. Michael looked at the nurse asking"Whats happening?" The nurse looked down at him saying "Hes having a nightmare. We need to calm him down before it gets worse." Michael bent over and started running his fingers through Alex's hair trying to calm him down. Alex was just getting more amped up. Alex started yelling "Stop! Please! Dad! I'm sorry!" His body started to jerk violently. Alarms started going off loudly. Michael looked up to see the Alarms for blood pressure and his heart monitor. Next thing Michael knew there was a slew of doctors and nurses pushing Michael away from the bed and surrounding Alex. There were trying to hold Alex down but Alex was getting more upset and flailing screaming "Stop! Dad! Someone help me! He was crying frantically. Michael felt helpless watching. Then Kyle stepped in and tried to help but Alex started to hyperventilate. The doctor yelled "defibrillator stat!" A nurse ran out to go get it. Alex started violently seizuring . Micheal looked up at the monitors with tears in his eyes when Alex flatlined. Michael screamed "No"! The nurse ran into the room with the defribulator and Kyle grabbed it from her. He lifted up Alex's gown while the other doctor readied the machine. Kyle then grabbed the pads and started working on him. "3, 2, 1 clear" then shocked him. Michael saw Alex's body react..then nothing. Kyle waited a few seconds more then did it again "3, 2 , 1 clear" and jolted him again. Micheal was hysterical crying, praying. Anything to save Alex. Still nothing. Kyles nerves were frayed too. He looked down at Alex saying " Dammit Alex! Your not dying on me!" He turned the machine up and tried again. After the jolt Kyle waited a second staring at the monitor when Alex heart line started to respond on the machine. Everyone took a breath when the heart monitor started beating normally again. As the doctors and nurses started leaving the room Kyle walked up to Michael. Before Kyle could say anything Michael leapt in his arms hugging him saying " Thank you Kyle! Michael tightened his hold around Kyles neck and buried his face in his chest and Kyle wrapped his arms arms around his waist and pulled him close. Michael just wept saying "Thank you for saving Alex!" Kyle put his head on top of Michael's saying " Your welcome, but i was going to do my damnest not to let him die." Michael stepped back and took the man in. He spoke softly" You've saved him twice in the past 24 hours. Alex will appreciate it when he wakes up. I know I do" Kyle looked Michael then turned around walking toward his bed. He looked down at Alex saying " Michael I put him through hell for many years when I should of been more understanding and been his friend. Alex truly is the strongest, bravest person I know. No matter what he deals with he still does the right thing." Michael had come up on the other side of the bed to look down at Alex as well. Kyle pinched his nose and took a breath before continuing " The work i have seen him do.. The hours upon hours he poured over that paperwork and those drives we grabbed from Caulfield to find something to help is overwhelming at times. The lengths hes gone or would go to to keep you and your family safe...damn! I hope I one day find someone who loves me that much." Kyle went quiet for a moment looking over at Michael who had tears running down his nose. Michael spoke brokenly " I do love him. I love him so much." Kyle interjected " but lately that love just hurt.." Michael replied "Yeah it did..does. But Im not the only one it hurt I see. I thought being with Maria would be easier..feel lighter. She is an amazing woman." Michael lifted up his hand to wipe at his eyes while Kyle spoke " I know she is. Do you love her?" Michael shook his head " I could, if given the right circumstances. Maybe if I had met het first. I don't know." He took a slow breath " Alex was the first person on this god forsaken planet that made me feel accepted and cared about. He offered his shed to me to sleep in when i was sleeping in my truck in High School. He always left food in there to make sure i ate." Michael chuckled at the memory " He even gave me his brother's guitar. We use to drive out to the middle of nowhere and stargaze and play our guitars together. God he was so emo!" He let out a wet laugh then continued " All he wanted to do was make music, to be loved, to be able to love someone openly. I remember the first time he tried to kiss me." Michael thought fondly " God he looked beautiful that day. His hair was touseled and his eyes soft with eyeliner around them. He was so shy when he leaned into kiss me. And I wanted too..oh boy did I but I just froze. I saw the hurt in his eyes. I felt horrible..i didn't know what to say. He left shortly after that and gave me some space over the next few days." Kyle piped up " Yeah that sounds like him. I remember when we were younger maybe 12 or 13 I figured out he was gay. He was never inappropriate with me. I don't think he even realized it. His father did though. He beat him within an inch of his life. I saw him the next day. He was covered in bruises and limping. We didn't really talk much after that." Kyle looked over at Michael then with tears in his eyes " I was a scared, stupid kid..but i knew it was wrong..the way i treated him. Even back then..i kick myself in the ass everyday for that. God he needed someone on his side. I will never make that mistake again. NOT EVER!." Michael looked back down at Alex then saying " Hes lucky to have you Kyle. I've felt horrible this past month. Liz, Max, Isobel, Maria and I see each other all the time. We talk, hang out, do alot of stuff together. I don't think anyone of us gave Alex a second thought and that was wrong. Maybe not Isobel or Max so much, they don't really know him too well. But Liz, Maria and I..fuck! Im such an asshole!" Kyle chucked at that replying "Yes..Yes you have been." Michael glared at Kyle but with no real heat in it saying "Well i gotta make this right somehow. Will you stay here with him for a bit? I gotta go take a shower and talk to a few people. Ill be back in a bit." Kyle replied "absolutely! Im not going anywhere. I wont leave him alone." Michael put his hat back on as well as his shoes and jacket then looked at Kyle saying " Thank you again. Give me a call if anything changes please. Ill be back as soon as possible." Kyle replied " No worries man i got you." With that Michael leaned over the bed and kissed Alex on the forehead lingering probably longer then he should have. He leaned over into Alex's ear saying " I love you Alex..so much! and one way or another Im going to make this right." With that he nodded at Kyle and walked out of the room. ============================================ As Michael got out to his truck he took out his phone and sent a group text to Isobel, Max, Liz and Maria saying " Meet at the Pony in an hour. We need to have a serious discussion." After that he put his phone back in his pocket and headed toward the airstream. About 45 mins after he pulled up to the Wild Pony and saw everyone was already there. He knew this was going to be a tough conversation.. actually conversations. He promised Alex he would make this right and dammit he was going to. He knew it wasnt going to be easy ( but in reality nothing in his life had been). But he loved Alex and Alex deserved his best. He opened the door of his truck and got out.

As he was walking into the Wild Pony everyone was sitting at the bar with Maria behind it. He walked up and leaned on the half wall behind where they were sitting. They turned around to look at him. Liz asked "So what's going on?" Micheal took of his hat and placed it on the banister. He took a deep breath then spoke " Alex's not doimg well. He had a seizure this morning that almost killed him." He heard the collective *gasp* from everyone. He looked up to see Max opening his mouth to say " What do you mean "almost"? Michael answered " Well i was laying next to him sleeping and I woke up to him having a nightmare. I tried to wake him but it just got worse. He had a seizure and his heart stopped. Kyle used the defribulator to bring him back. It was so scary." Michael let out a breath and looked up. Everyone had a shocked face, left speechless. A tear ran down Michael's cheek. He wiped at it continuing " Things need to change! I can't lose him." The last part came out as a sob. He lowered his head and started crying. 

Isobel left her stool and wrapped her arms around him. He tucked his head into her neck and continued to speak brokenly " I love him so much Iz." Isobel replied by saying " I know Michael." She was rubbing his back up and down. He sobbed more saying " Seeing him there so broken. Then when he died..i felt myself die too. I abandoned him Iz..when he needed me i abandoned him. Then i took his best friend away. He was so alone..Im so sorry..im so sorry i failed him.."Liz got up next and hugged him too. She too was crying by now saying " I failed him too Michael. I was so caught up" She sobbed a bit too before speaking again " We need to do better." Isobel answered " Yes we do and we will" She looked over at Max then Maria who was crying too. She spoke authoritatively " Whatever you need Michael and whatever Alex needs we will be here to help. Alex is a good person! His family be damned. We will be his family." She looked back between Max and Maria who were nodding their heads in agreement. Max piped up saying " Whatever is needed we will be there." Max stood up and joined the hug continuing " We love you Michael, and we know how much you love him.Im so sorry Michael." Michael who was sobbing the whole time replied "Thank you..Thank you. I love him so much." They hugged for awhile till Michael stopped crying. After they detangled Isobel took Micheals head in her hands " You let us know Michael. In the hospital or at his house when he pulls through. Which he will! I believe that." Micheal nodded his head and Isobel leaned over and kissed his forehead. Liz,, Isobel and Max headed out shortly after that.Leaving Maria and Michael in an awkward silence. 

Micheal stepped up to the bar and sat in the stool across from Maria. He took her in for a moment before saying " Maria.." She stopped him interjecting " We can't do this anymore." Michael nodded in agreement " It was unfair of me to drag you in the middle of this..Im so sorry." Maria looked up to him " Its not all your fault i was equall kinda selfish too. I know I really hurt Alex as well." The last part came out as a sob. Michael got up from his seat and went around to the other side of the bar and held Maria as she too fell apart saying " Im so sorry Maria." Over and over again. When the sobbing lessened Maria spoke " We should of just remained friends. I never realized how badly this would of affected Alex. I should have respected Alex more. We have been friends since we were kids. I knew how much he loved you.. I could feel it." She stepped out of Michael's arms and took the man in for a moment then saying " You love him just as much too. I can feel it. I think I've always felt it." Michael looked down at the floor saying " Yes I love him so much. He's.. He's.. ". Maria replied " I understand Michael. I wish you had been more honest with me though." Michael lifted up his head and looked at her " I really thought it was over Maria..I really did. He kept pushing me away. He kept walking away." Michael's hand started twiching at his side. Maria picked it up and started looking at it " Your hand". Michael replied " Yes, Jesse Manes did that. He caught Alex and I in the shed. He had a hammer in his hand. He was going to kill Alex. I stepped in to protect him. He smashed my hand with it". Maria gasped " Oh my god" Michael continued " Alex tried to get him to stop. He pushed Alex so hard against the wall and threatened him." Maria spoke "That's why he went into the air force". Michael was nodding his head " Yeah the night Noah died I went back to my airstream to change my shirt cause it had blood on it. He wanted to talk. He told me that he wanted to be the kind of man who 'won battles'. That after what his father did to me.." Maria took another atep back saying " Oh my god Guerin! He went to war to learn how to protect you. Oh he loves you so much." Michael was rocked " holy shit ! Im such an asshole! Kyle told me today that Alex speaks through his actions. He was never trying to abandon me. He wanted to protect me". Michael had tears running down his face again saying " That night i told him to come back the next day and we could talk. Instead i came here. I came to you." Maria looked at him and replied " We are definitely done Guerin. You need to go back to Alex and make this right. I will help however i can cause I need to make amends too..but Michael.." Michael interuppted " I know! Im a colossal fuck up! Im gonna head back to the hospital. Ill text you to let you know." Maria replied "ok". Michael turned around and walked out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex eventually wakes up.

Chapter 7

Michael arrives at Alex's room as Kyle is injecting him with something. Michael asks " What's that?" Kyle looks up at him as he's finishing replying " Anti- Anxiety meds, it will help him stay calm so he hopefully won't have another seizure." Michael goes to the other side of the bed picking up Alex's hand saying " That's a good idea. He looks so peaceful and relaxed like this..so innocent." Kyle chuckles " That's what good drugs do. So how was your conversations?" Michael looked up at Kyle then back down at Alex " Good..really good actually. I talked to Iz, Max, Liz and Maria. We decided we are going to do all we can to help Alex. Now..In recovery and after. We will always be there for him." Kyle replied " That's good..he will need all the support he can get. He will need therapy and better meds and someone to make sure he's taking them. A group effort will be great." Michael rubbing Alex's hand says " Yeah we will def have that covered. I can't lose him." 

He tilts his head to look at Kyle " Maria and I broke up too. We both realized we would be better as friends and how much we hurt Alex. I dont know what will happen between him and I. I do know that he is my priority though.I will do whatever it takes Kyle. Even if it takes the rest of my life." Kyle took him in saying " I know Michael." The other man spoke again " You remember when we were in Caulfield after the alarm went off and Alex came and got me?" Kyle nodded and Michael continued " I was trying to get my mom out of that cell. Alex was trying to get me out of there. He was so scared. I was too. I screamed that they were my family. He screamed right back at me that I was his. I believe he was willing to die with me at Caulfield." Kyle was speechless for a moment before replying " Wow Michael! I didn't know about that. That's intense! " Michael chuckled a bit " yeah it was..but as you said Alex does speak through his actions." Kyle looked down at Alex replying " Yes he does..no matter how crazy they are." They were silent for a few moments before Kyle spoke again " Well i have some patient's to check on. If you need anything have one of the nurses message me ok?" Michael nodded replying " Yes Dr.!" Kyle chuckled turning around and leaving the room." 

============================================

Over the next couple of days Michael stayed at Alex's side. He only left to go home and shower. Everyone stopped by to keep Michael company and see if there was something they could do. Michael remembered Kyle mentioning something about Alex's house needing to be cleaned. He shot a message to Iz, Liz and Maria about it. They all replied back that they would get it done.

A few hours later the girls arrived at the cabin with cleaning supplies in hand. As they were nearing the door they noticed small droplets of blood staing the wood. They looked at each other nervously for a moment before opening the door. They walked through and Maria turned to see the living room a mess and Alex's phone smashed into pieces. Maria looked at the girls saying " Ill get the living room" The ladies both nodded. Isobel stepped into the kitchen. Other then a sink full of dishes it didn't look too bad. Isobel spoke " I got the kitchen." The other ladies nodded. Liz started to walk to the back of the cabin where the bedroom was. She opened the door and froze taking it in. The bed and floor was covered in dried blood..Alex's blood. She took a step forward to get a clearer sight of it. She saw the razor blade on the bed and looking around the room she saw the smashed bottle as well. She screamed and the other two came running in after and froze at the sight they saw. Liz and Maria were crying. Isobel was so in shock she pushed the other 2 out the door closing it behind them. Isobel pulled Liz and Maria into the living room and pushed them on the couch as she took out her phone saying " Im calling a cleaning company for that room and getting a new matress for Alex's bed. We are not touching that!" The ladies were crying so hard all they could do was nod. Isobel went into the kitchen and made the calls. Liz and Maria were scrunced on the couch hugging each other and crying for a bit. 

When they both started to calm down Liz spoke first " I..i can't believe it. He was really going to go all the way. So much blood Maria!" Maria replied throigh her sobs " Poor Alex... I know he was depressed but seeing it like that..oh my god!" Liz nodded in agreement then spoke " We abandoned him Maria..our little Alex..Our cute, sweet little emo kid. He never abandoned us when we needed him.. We hurt hiim so much!" Maria replied " I know..I know..We have to do better! We will do better. Alex deserves our best. We must never allow it to come to this again!" Liz replied resolutely " Never!.. NEVER EVER!" Maria nodded in agreement. While they were still crying quietly Isobel came back in and announced " The cleaners will be here soon and a new mattress will be delivered tommorrow. I will stop and pick up new pillows and sheets and whatnot tommorrow." Liz piped up " ill help pay for that Isobel. Thank you so much." Isobel came to sit with them on the couch saying " Nonsense..We ALL need to help. I got this.. Alex is my family now too. Michael loves him so much." Maria sniffed at that saying " Yes he does.. Alex is one of the best friends I had" Another sob escaping. Isobel was going to say something but Liz put her hand over hers and looked at her and shook her head. Isobel got the message and allowed Maria to comtinue. 

Maria started speaking again " He's always been there for me no matter what. When Rosa died he held me for hours and let me cry in his arms. When boys were horrible to me in High school he stood up for me. Remember when we use to go to the dive ins on Saturdays and watch those horrible movies all snug together under blankets Liz? Liz nodded saying " Yes they were good times.," Maria continued " I remeber Him, Rosa and I use to hide under the pool tables at my mom's bar eating snacks watching people." She looked up at Isobel and Liz. and then back at her hands for a moment " I know when Michael kissed him into stupid , crazy love too. Alex wouldn't tell me his name. We called him " museum guy". He said he would of stayed in Roswell if Michael kept kissing him. It was adorable. He was so happy and hopeful. Even recently he was hopeful and happy with Michael. He is the love of his life." Isobel piped in then " I hear that. After Noah Michael shared that he loved Alex as well and probably always would. No offense Maria but I was surprised when he started dating you. I always felt they would figure it out." Maria piped up " No offense taken..I guess I knew he loved Alex. He kept telling me it was over and I believed him blindly." The last part said in a sob. Liz spoke quietly saying " We all make mistakes Maria" Maria chuckled at that "Mistake?? Try colossal fuck up Liz! I should of gone to talk to him first! He deserved that. Actually I really should have never entertained the idea after I knew how Alex felt. I was a shitbag! Friends dont do that!" Everyone fell silent for a few moments taking in the words spoken.

Isobel spoke first " Well hindsight is always 20/20. We need to do better from this day foward. Right ladies?" Liz and Maria both nodded in agreement. Isobel continued " Well this house isn't going to clean itself so we should motivate. The cleaners will be here soon".They all got up and started cleaning after that.

========================================= Awhile later Liz wanted to talk to Michael about Alex's house so she went to Alex's hospital room.The sight she beheld was adorable but hearbreaking too at the same time. Michael was laying next to Alex ( being the big spoon really) with his hands around Alex's waist and his head buried in his neck. He was snoozing. She walked up a little closer and noticed tear tracks on his face. She gently placed her hand on his arm and softly spoke " Mikey..Psst Mikey..wake up. I gotta talk to you." Michael slowly opened his eyes and detangled himself from Alex.As he was getting up off the bed he felt movement from Alex. Michael froze and whispered "Alex" into his ear. " He heard Alex croak out " Michael". Micheal whispered again " Alex Im right here." Alex spoke again very raspily "Michael". Liz was in shock taking it in. She moved over to the other side of the bed and noticed Alex's eyes were still closed. She too whispered " Alex Im here too. Wake up sweetheart. Open your eyes." To that Alex whispered with more surety in his voice " If i open my eyes he will be gone." Liz looked over at Michael with concern and tears in her eyes then he spoke " Alex Im here and Im not going anywhere. Open your eyes sweetheart". Alex started to slowly open his eyes and look around. He was looking back and forth between and spoke "Water". At that Liz got some for him. Michael reached out slowly and and placed his hand on top of his. Alex looked up at him with tears in his eyes. He spoke sofly saying " Im so sorry.." Michael interrupted saying " No..No..No..No ! You didnt do anything wrong. Im the one that abandoned you. When you needed me most I left you. I should not have done that. I will never do that again" Micheal choked at the last part and tears started streaming down his face. Alex started crying and Liz was crying too.They all cried for awhile holding each other.When the crying subsided Liz spoke first saying " There's alot of blame to go around. We all hold our share of it Alex. The point is we will never let this happen again." We love you and we are here for you." Alex gave a slight smile at that and said " Thank you" through his tears.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get up..Ive been going through some personal shit. But im trying..

Chapter 8

Liz messaged Kyle who came in moments later.He looked at Liz and Michael then to Alex. He then spoke " I'd like to have a few moments with Alex". Liz and Michael both nodded and left. Kyle started checking the monitors asking " Can u speak?" Alex spoke softly saying " yes a bit." Kyle shook his head " Good.. So how are you feeling?" Alex replied meekly "ok." Kyle took him in for a moment. God he looked small and sad "Talk to me Alex" he placed his hand over Alex's continuing " How are you really feeling. Im here Alex." Tears started rolling down Alex's cheek " Did you save my life Kyle?" Kyle nodded Alex started to fall apart with that " Thank you Kyle Im so sorry" Kyle sat on the bed taking Alex in his arms " Alex you dont need to apologize. Im just glad i came at the right time. Your my best friend Alex and I couldn't lose you. I know you're going through a lot right now." Kyle rubbed up and down his back as Alex spoke brokenly " I don't know what's wrong with me Kyle. I just feel so broken inside. No matter what i did to try to get myself out i couldn't..i can't. Eveytime I tried to sleep I'd have horrible nightmares. My father..the beatings..getting my leg blown off..all the other horrors I saw in Iraq. My friends being blown apart in front of me. Then they go to Caulfield and Michael and seeing Michael and Maria together..over and over again playing in my head Kyle." Kyle stayed silent for a moment just holding and comforting Alex then spoke " That's alot to take on by yourself Alex. Your medicine isn't working?" Alex shook his head " They haven't for awhile and everytime I tell my doctor he just messes with the dosage..but it still doesn't work."

Kyle looked down at his friend in his arms. His heart was breaking from all the pain Alex suffered through. Kyle put his head on top of Alex's speaking ever so softly " We will find you a better doctor Alex and a good therapist." Kyle felt Alex tense at that but he continued " I know you have a hard time talking about your feelings Alex but you need to. Its literally a matter of life and death. You wont be alone Alex." The other man quirked his brow questioning " What do you mean? I've always been alone." Kyle ran his hands up and down the other man's back for a moment before responding " Alex you scared a lot of people. Especially the two outside the door and myself and Maria. We've all been doing alot of introspection and we have taken our part of responsibility for what happened. You don't have to do this alone. You won't be alone anymore." Kyle heard Alex sniffing underneath him. They sat quietly for a moment until Alex lifted his head off Kyles chest. Alex looked up at him and Kyle lifted his hands to wipe the tears from Alex's cheeks. Alex spoke softly saying " Kyle I dont really know what to say. Im so overwhelmed right now. You saved my life " Kyle smiled softly replying " Alex you are one of the bravest strongest people I know. You've been to hell and back your whole life. You deserve a break Alex and I will do everything i can to help you get that. Im going to find you the best psychiatrist and psychologist I can and we will figure this out. We can't let this happen again." Alex noticed a tear slip down Kyle's cheek. Alex lifted his hand and wiped his tear away while Kyle kept speaking " I was so scared Alex seeing you like that. So helpless. So broken." More tears escaped his eyes running down his cheeks. He looked at Alex who had tears running down his cheeks too. Alex spoke next " Im so sorry Kyle." Kyle interjected shaking his head. " Dont apologize..Don"t... We will get you the help you need and make sure this doesn't happen again!." He wiped the tears from his eyes and stood up. " Im going to make some phone calls and I will be back later. Liz and Michael are outside and want to see you..ok ?" Alex nodded his head and responded " ok". Kyle gave Alex a watery smile and turned around and walked out. Kyle stepped out and looked at Michael and Liz telling them " I think it would be best if only one of you went in at a time. I dont want to overwhelm Alex." They both nodded in agreement and Liz piped up " Ill go in first quickly. I have to get to the lab and get to work." Both men nodded and Liz walked in. Kyle turned and and walked away finding an empty room and walked in and locked it behind him. He slid down the door and lost it crying.

===========================================

Alex sat there taking in the conversation with Kyle and still surprised that Liz and Michael were there when he woke up. It was all overwhelming. He was angry at himself for his desperation yet angry and thankful to Kyle. Alex really did want to be done with this life. It was too painful for him to deal with. He felt in his bones that everyone would be better off if he were gone.He felt he was toxic to people and when people figured it out they just left him anyways. He curled up on his bed as these thoughts started to take him over.

Liz knocked quietly and entered. She saw Alex curled up on his bed crying. She walked over to Alex quietly and spoke quietly " Alex..Alex.." He didn't respond he just kept crying. She moved a little closer saying " Alex Im gonna sit on your bed" Alex still didnt respond. He just seemed to be stuck in his own world. Liz sat gently so Alex's back was facing her. She spoke softly " Alex Im here and I love you. Please talk to me."

Alex did come out of the fog enough to reply softly " No one loves me. I know that. People are better off without me around." Liz's heart was crushed. Tears were seeping out of her eyes. She spoke " Alex I love you. You've been through alot I know. You have been there for everyone and when you needed someone I wasnt there for you. For that I am truly sorry. I should have been. I will try harder from now on." Alex didn't respond still crying to himself. She sat for a few moments and just listened to Alex cry. It broke her heart to see him like this. She felt his pain. " Alex I have to go to the lab to get some work done. I will come back and check on you later. Michael is here. He hasnt left your side since you came in and he wants to see you." As she was walking towards the door she barely heard Alex whisper " Why?" Liz turned and responded. " I know things have been tough lately, but he does love you Alex. Talk to him and listen to what he has to say..Please." Alex gave no response and quietly wept. Liz opened the door and stepped out.

Michael was waiting and looked up when Liz stepped out. He saw the tear tracks down her cheeks. He got up and walked over to her. He was about to speak when he saw the fresh tears forming in her eyes and she started shaking. He grabbed her her arm and pulled her to his chest. She started crying harder and Michael just held her whispering "shhh calm down Liz its going to be ok." She shook her head and backed up an inch staring at Michael's chest saying " Michael he is so broken. I've never seen him like this. First the Crashdown and now this..He really feels people would be better off with..with.." She started sobbing harder and Michael finshed quietly " without him." Liz nodded her head and Michael pulled her in close again saying " We will figure it out Liz. Ill go in to talk to him."

When Michael opened the door to Alex's room. He heard Alex quietly weeping and his heart broke. All he wanted to do was crawl in that bed and hold Alex tight making all the badness go away but he knew Alex was not ready for that. So he sat in the chair next to his bed and listened to Alex cry. He pushed the chair closer to the bed and started to rub his back. Alex didn't lean into his touch but he didn't pull away either. Michael spoke softly " Alex Im here. Im not going anywhere. When your ready we can talk." Alex wept quietly for a few more seconds before he quietly asked "Why?" Michael's heart was in his throat as he repeated Alex's question "Why?" Alex turned over toward Michael but would not look at him. Tears still streaming down his face asking again "Wh..Wh..Why are you here Mi..Mi..Michael?" Michael felt all the air leave his lungs like he just got puched in the gut. He sounded so young yet so broken..It was killing him. He found his voice though and replied softly back " Alex I was so afraid of losing you. You almost died twice! Ive never been so scared Alex. Im never going to leave you again" Alex replied "Af..Af..Afraid of losing me? Yo..you walked away to..to be with Ma..Maria. I..I don't bl..blame you. I..I..did hor..horrible things to..to you. Im..im so sick of hu..hur..hurting you. Bu..but I do..dont know how to..too make it ri..right..Bu..but Im a fail..failure.."He started crying bigger sobs as he turned away from Michael. 

Michael started crying then. He stood up and tipped off his shoes. He then crawled in behind Alex and put one arm under his head and put the other over his waist and pulled Alex close to him whispering in his ear " I am deeply afraid of losing you Alex. You are not a failure. I love you so much Alex." Alex slowly turned over so he was buried in his chest. He quieted down for a few minutes before he spoke " Is it enough tho? Like you said we've been holding on to thing and where has it gotten us Michael?" Michael tightened his grip slightly on Alex saying " Yes it is enough! It has to be baby. We will get through this. Maria figured out that we were not going to work because of my feelings for you. She saw the pain and heartbreak i felt for you and she knew I wasn't hers and I knew it too." He lifted up Alex's chin to look at him " I know we have problems and you told me you were done walking away..then I did and I made a mistake and Im so sorry. I was selfish Alex and took Maria from you. I knew how close you were and I wanted that. I know there isn't enough apologies in the world for you to truly know sorry I am, but I will work hard to show you everyday, if you let me." Alex nodded his head in agreement saying " Im going to try harder too Michael. I love you so much. Your it for me. I dont want to be with anyone else." He then snuggled back into Michael's chest. Michael ran his hands through his hair enjoying every strand over and over again then spoke softly saying " You'll never be alone again Alex. You will never fight these battles alone again." They both fell asleep peacefully just enjoying each other being so close.


End file.
